| I am not an emotionally stable person anymore, but for different reasons than that would suggest. I have become a symbiotic creature with very little emotional independence. I don't mind very much. It's just that sometimes I can't even muster up the willpower to get out of bed or make a cup of coffee, unless certain companionship parameters have been met.
Right now, for instance, I am typing my thoughts on a black keyboard into a computer that was given to me and i am on the verge of a complete emotional breakdown and I don't even know why. There is absolutely no reason for it. And since I know that no one uses xanga anymore anyway, I have no inhibitions about spewing my emo babble into the information supervoid.
Sometimes I speculate on the emotional and mental damage that an upbringing in the unification church has rendered upon my psyche. My generation was never taught how to be emotionally independent when engaged in a relationship. We were never taught how to properly care for our eventual partners. We were never taught how to express the feelings of love we experience in a way that is positively conducive for a relationship. We've been left to swing away blindly in the dark, hitting people we barely understand and more often than not, missing the ones we love.
But sometimes we get lucky and find a person so good and so pure at heart and so giving that we forget to breathe for fear of waking up. I count myself among that small happy few but that does not mean I am happy. I'm happy with her, of course, but I'm not happy with myself. My failings are all the more apparent to me now that I am taking care of a wonderful girl, a girl that thinks first and foremost of me and goes out of her way to show me that she loves me.
I am very scared of many things.
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| yeah, i have a girlfriend.
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| the reason i like the mars volta is because they are a rickety old spider with an infinite reach that dug deep and unearthed sounds that God forgot he had made.
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| I finished Cornish Hen with the help of two of the most powerful
Wizards I know, Scott and Orien. Ali is an amazing singer, by the way.
Just listen.
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| I can feel my heartbeat. I can feel the fluids in my throat and my stomach flowing. I can feel the connections between my feet and my skull.
I'm watching with little interest as a hurricane transforms my town. I'm starting to forget little things that used to come to me with ease. When I have a conversation with someone now, I have to be extra attentive so I don't forget what we were talking about. That keeps happening.
My nose won't stop fucking bleeding.
The infection in my head could have killed me, according to Dr. Merlin. I have to take all my pills like a good boy. Amoxil, Pseudophedrine, Citirizene. The combination of drugs is having ugly effects on me already. 80 hour work weeks are much harder than I expected.
I don't really understand the way things connect and have repercussions on the rest of your life, but I have a couple of ideas. E said maybe I don't have enough positive intentions. I don't know if that's true. I positively intend to do all sorts of shit.
I'm not going to write some pained, existential entry about how much things suck and how miserable I am. Because I'm not really that miserable. I'm sick as a dog right now and I don't have a penny to my name, but besides that, I think I'm doing okay. The world sucks, yeah, but who gives enough of a shit to take a bullet for the human race, whatever that means?
We have to be real with each other and transcend our own shitty problems. WE HAVE TO LET PEOPLE IN, even if they hurt us and fail us and betray us and stab us in the back. We're not solitary creatures. Love your friends and family and smile at the motherfuckers in the street. Just fucking do it, okay? You'll be dead soon anyway.
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